Tuesday, May 11, 2010

As Days Go By

Hello blogger.com

I always have a hard time keeping these things up. So I'm going to try to keep this up to date. Well my life has completely changed because I recently lost my older sister to cancer. And even though it's already been 3 months, I still cannot believe she is gone. I mean I know she will always be in my heart and I know she is watching over me, but still I would give anything just to see her, hug her, and to hear her voice! I still cry now and then and sometimes I would spend my whole day just thinking of her and how much I miss her.

I see a therapist from time to time and she told me everything I'm feeling is normal. I told her that I'm in the anger stage and that I just get very angry at mostly everything. For example, when ever I hear about the cancer centers and if I hear "there's hope" that's when I lose it. Hope??? I don't think so. I honestly think those people are not doing shit over there and people are wasting their money if they donate. I'm starting not to trust doctors. And I know this sounds horrible of me but when I hear people talking about how they beat their cancer for whatever years, I just want to say "WHAT THE FUCK!" My sister only had hers for a year and then she's gone. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!!! She had he whole life ahead of her but God had other plans for her. Again I say what the fuck. I also tell my therapist that I wonder about myself. How do I know if I have cancer also? What if I'm in stage 2 and I don't know it? Will they find it when I'm 25 and in stage 4 like my sister? I'm I only going to live for 26 years also? I ask these questions because my sister was fine and she went to go see the doctor for a check up 2 weeks before!!! This is why I don't trust doctors.

God I have so many god damn questions that will never be answered! Ever since this happen, I'm starting to look at things different. Like just the fact that I have my vision I'm greatful for. Oh yeah folks my sister lost her vision the fucken cancer took that from her. The day of her funeral her doctor said that the cancer took over most of her organs and body however, it didn't take over her heart. If anybody who knew my sister we all know how big of a heart she had. That's why the fucken cancer couldn't take it. Fuck you cancer you may have taken my sister's body but you didn't take her spirit away! Sister I miss you and love you with all my heart! I think about you 24/7 and I know you are still watching over me as you did in life. I love you big sister!

2 comments:

  1. It's good that you get this out, I hope you pass the anger stage quickly though. I always have Juanita and your family in my prayers. I know its extremely hard, I lost my grandfather who was like a dad to me yrs ago and I STILL hurts so much and think about him but its not a painful as it was the 1st yrs. I hope that with time you can find peace in your heart.

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  2. i agree Mandy, doesn't make any sense at all and proves how unfair life is. i agree with everything you said and feel the same way. Juanita has inspired me to appreciate life and make the most of it. we love you.

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